My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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