Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
