i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
