just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
