mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
