so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
