babies were throwing up all over the place
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
