I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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