went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Terrible idea I love it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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