Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
