I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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