I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
