theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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