Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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