The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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