At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
