Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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