All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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