Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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