Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
