By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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