I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
