I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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