So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
