How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
