Cold hands, warm shart.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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