hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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