Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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