I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
