i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Randomize
