We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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