when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
