I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
two words...techno handjob
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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