he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
