I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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