you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
