she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
