this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
