saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently you make a good broom.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize