do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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