So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
