She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize