Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
