I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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