I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
