You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
