got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
