Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
