If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
