You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
