I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
