she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
