i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
All I want is dick and wine.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
