took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Everything about him screamed your future.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
