HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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