I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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