Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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