i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
