sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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