If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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